The Artichoke: a satirical look at all things insane and inane at wellesley

Students have responded to Donald Trump’s Oct. 24 cry for attention by volunteering to organize a last-minute grassroots write-in campaign for presidency on his behalf. The billionaire recently released a video offering President Barack Obama five million dollars, to be donated to a charity of choice, in exchange for Obama’s transcripts and passport documentation. When Obama refused, Trump instead donated money to the Romney campaign. 

Since the public paid little interest, Trump is now reportedly considering starting a video blog. Wellesley students, interpreting Trump’s behavior as a desperate cry for help, reached out their helping hands to found his campaign for presidency.

“The students saw an opportunity to help someone in need, so they organized themselves,” said Barbara Barb, an administrator in the Office of Recreation, who is an active member of many nonprofits in Boston. “There’s no better time to step in than when a man like Trump considers leaving politics for vlogging. Not only are they helping Trump, they’re saving YouTube. I’m impressed by and proud of them.”

There are currently 19 Wellesley students actively working on Trump’s campaign, two of whom have chosen to take a leave of absence to dedicate maximum time and effort to campaigning. However, some students’ motivations are apparently not rooted in selfless kindness. 

“It’s brilliant,” said assistant professor of political science Reece Recter, who attempted to start a “write-in Madonna for Senate” campaign in the 80s. “These students are being strategic. The majority of them are recently-declared political science majors, students who have fallen in love with politics only recently. They found a way to gain political campaign experience with a group that truly needs them.”

“I wanted a really high position in a campaign, but by the time I realized that was what I wanted, it was too late,” said Sandra Sand ’15. “So I thought, ‘Donald Trump is an attention-seeker who missed the campaign trail. I relate to that. So why not enable him while gaining experience in managing a grassroots campaign?’” 

Sand was able to contact Trump last week, using the connections she made through previous internships while in high school. He reportedly sent Sand flowers wrapped in paper with his face on them, along with written permission to start running the campaign.

Their strategy is to gain support by targeting specific areas. “We’re taking canvassing to a whole new level,” said Olive Oyle ’16, student canvassing manager.  “We target the neighborhoods. We don’t actually show up at people’s doors.” 

For suburban towns similar to Wellesley, the campaign sends bouquets from Donald Trump accompanied by free passes to the Miss Universe show and Superbowl tickets. “We don’t actually have the Superbowl tickets yet, but Trump will be able to get them. He may even get his face on them!” 

For families in less affluent neighborhoods, the campaign gives out college scholarships in exchange for write-ins. “It’s amazing how education can change people’s political views,” commented Oyle. 

When asked if they were buying votes, Oyle raised her eyebrows and laughed. “It’s called ‘having a strong influence,’” she said. “Have you even read Machiavelli?” At the end of the interview, she offered a spa vacation package in Aspen in exchange for not publishing any mention of buy-outs.

Some people are not happy with this campaign. “I haven’t received any bouquets yet,” said associate professor of linguistics Mimi Meme, who recently moved to the town of Wellesley. “I would consider what Trump had to offer if he helped me out in return.”

Others have also criticized Trump’s burgeoning campaign. “This is horrible,” said a Romney campaigner who chose to remain anonymous. “Romney can’t have more competition. Romney really needs to win. I can’t stay a closeted Republican on campus anymore. It’s not good for my soul.”

If you’re interested in volunteering for Trump’s write-in campaign, contact Sandra Sand at ssand@wellesley.edu.